Porn Parodies: Whatcha Gonna Do!

In the fall of 2007 the world of porn changed, some say for the worse but I will leave that up to you, with the release of Not the Bradys XXX from X-Play. The movie became one of the top selling DVDs of the year and sparked a new trend, the porn parody. Now sure, the adult industry has a history of using the general plot of a mainstream movie or using mainstream titles in creative ways for their own movies but they had never really taken an entire concept and story and made it into a porn movie.


Below are my top 10 movies/TV shows/books that I think might make a good porn parody. Now I only included properties that have either not been made yet or have not been announced yet. So here is my top 10, in no particular order.

Full House

Full House was one of the first shows of ABC’s TGIF lineup when it started in the late 80’s. The show followed single dad Danny Tanner trying to take care of his three young girls, DJ, Stephanie and Michelle. In order to help him out, he gets the help of his best friend, Joey, and his brother-in-law, Jessie. The show then follows the group as the become a tight knit family and even adding some other characters along the way.

Pros: As much as most people loved this show growing up, it is incredibly cheesy and that makes it perfect fodder for parody. You also have the Mary Kate and Ashley Olson thing. There were sites counting down to when they turn 18, so you know there are plenty of people that have wanted to see Michelle get something shoved in her. The show is also considered one of the most popular family friendly comedies of all time and you know the noise those people can make in the media, thus causing free advertising.

Cons: The biggest problem here is the ages of the girls, Michelle in particular. In previous parodies they just made everyone of age and that’s fine but so much of Michelle’s character was about her being a cute, precocious kid and it might not work trying to pull that off with a porn performer.

Family Matters

Like Full House, Family Matters became a mainstay of the TGIF lineup after its premiere. The show centered around the Winslows, an African-American family in Chicago, and later on their annoying but well-meaning neighbor, Steve Urkel. The show in many ways picked up where The Cosby Show left off, blending straight up funny episodes with the occasional serious episode.

Pros: X-Play got a lot of heat from people when they did not one but two parodies of The Cosby Show. I would expect that Family Matters would get similar heat, just less of it. A porn version of Steve Urkel would insanely funny as well.

Cons: Speaking of a porn version of Steve Urkel. That is the one big drawback to this movie being made. Who can play Steve, or Carl, for that matter? I can’t really think of any performers that could pull that off. Now they could go the route they took in The Cosby Show parody and get a comedian or some other mainstream entertainer to play Carl but they will definitely need a performer for Steve because he is going to have to have at least one sex scene.

Mad Men

This critical darling takes place in a marketing firm during the 1960’s. The main character is Don Draper, a man with a dark past and a shaky present as he smokes and drinks heavily, as well as sleeping around.

Pros: This show is pretty hot and the fashions that it is inspiring are just as hot. I’ll be honest, I do love the looks of the 40-60’s and it would be interesting to see some of the adult industry’s finest dawning those fashions in a movie.

Cons: Because the show is so encased in the history and environment of the 60’s, the only way to really do it right is to keep to that style. That isn’t easy because finding the right outfits and props would probably be difficult. Therefore, this movie should really only be made by a studio that has the money to make it right.

Weird Science

This classic 80’s movie shows us the lives of two high school losers, Gary and Wyatt. Wyatt’s parents leave them alone for the weekend, with the exception of Wyatt’s older brother Chet, and they decide to create a woman with his computer. Miraculously though, the woman they created comes to life.

Pros: Of all the ideas on this list, this is the one I am most surprised hasn’t been made. The script practically writes itself because most of the sex scenes are implied in the original movie.

Cons: There doesn’t need to be a lot of them but this movie will require special effects and if you are going to do that you might as well make it look good, so just like Mad Men above, this movie will cost a bit more to make then your standard parody.

Groundhog Day

Other than Ghostbusters, which has already gotten the porn treatment, this is probably the most beloved Bill Murray comedy. The movie follows Phil Conners, who is stuck in an infinite loop, as he is being forced to relive the same day, Groundhog Day, over and over again. What follows is a series of hilarious situations as Phil finally has his perfect day.

Pros: This movie, even though it’s around 20 years old is still extremely popular. That alone is worth giving this the porn treatment.

Cons: One of the things that make the original movie so great is how painstakingly they did the scenes, making sure that every time they had to setup that they had already done, was done exactly like how it was done before, at least from the background characters. That level of detail isn’t done perfectly in a regular movie and trying to do something like that in a few days would be really hard.

A Christmas Carol

I’m pretty sure everyone knows the story here but in case you don’t, here it is. Ebenezer Scrooge is a penny-pinching miser. In order to save his soul, his old friend, Jacob Marley, comes to visit him and tell him that he will be visited by three spirits, the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future. The three spirits come to visit him and he realizes the folly in living the way he does and swears to change and he lives happily ever after.

Pros: Two words: public domain. That means that they can literally take any and every thing from the original novel and use it. Pretty much every TV show that has lasted long enough does an A Christmas Carol episode as well so it’s really about time the porn world does their version.

Cons: The adult industry is not known for taking on Christmas in their movies, with the exception of solo girls dressing up as an elf or Mrs. Claus or some site doing a scene where some guy is dressed as Santa. The other big problem is that California doesn’t have an abundance of snow. Granted, you don’t need snow for Christmas but it is what most people think of. One way around this though is to just tweak the story so that it takes place in modern day Southern California. They do that and most of the issues melt away.

Moulin Rouge

The hit movie from 2001 shows the lives of two people in turn of the century France. One, an aspiring writer, Christian, and the other is a dancer and courtesan, Satine. They quickly fall in love, but Christian is unaware than Satine is stricken with tuberculosis. A series of events occur that allows them both to live their dreams, to an extent, but all they want is to be together.

Pros: As much as I like the 40-60’s era clothing, turn of the century attire can be just as cool. The other excellent part of this is that many adult performers like to dance and this movie would allow them to show off their talents. Now the original also has singing. I don’t know if anyone would want to do songs too but I think that would make for an interesting movie because the industry doesn’t do movies like that too often.

Cons: Again we come back to costumes and setting and cost that goes with it. This movie would probably be the toughest one to do in that regard, assuming they decide to do a true porn version of this movie.

Mannequin

Here we have another 80’s movie. In this one a man falls is obsessed with this mannequin that he created and after some misadventures gets reunited with her. After he starts working with this mannequin again, it ends up coming to life when he is alone with her. This of course causes trouble and hilarity and some heart break follow before a happy ending.

Pros: The entire setup is great for a porn movie. I don’t know how easy it would be to make a mannequin that looks like one of the stars of the movie but I think that would be cool to see.

Cons: Right off the top of my head I can’t really think of any, other than trying to recreate the 80’s vibe from the movie.

Growing Pains

Growing Pains was a pretty popular show that lasted from the mid-80’s till the early 90’s. The show showed the lives of an upper middle class family in a town in New York. As a change of pace though, the mother worked outside the home and the dad worked at home as a psychiatrist.

Pros: The biggest star as a result of the show was Kirk Cameron. For those that don’t know, Kirk became a born-again Christian toward the end of the shows run. Now, with the being said, how do you think he is going to react when he finds out that they are making a porn version of this show. That’s right, he is probably going to protest it and that means free publicity. Plus there was a character named Boner on the show.

Cons: As much publicity this release would probably get, you can’t get around the fact that people aren’t clamoring for this show. Sure, it’s been off the air for almost 20 years but people just don’t seem to care about this show.

Lost

Lost is one of those shows that if you didn’t like it from the beginning, you were never going to like it With its arrival and success, it brought back the serial drama in a way that hadn’t been seen in a while. For those not in the know, this show was about a group of survivors of a plane crash that somehow landed on this mysterious island.

Pros: The best thing about this show was the diversity of characters they had throughout its run. In turn, that would allow a porn version to be able to get a nice eclectic group of performers. The show, even though its popularity waned toward the end, is still one of the most talked about shows in recent memory, so the buzz and desire for a porn version is probably still fresh in most peoples mind.

Cons: Remember the eclectic cast I mentioned earlier, well that’s one of the cons too. Too put it simply, there were just too many characters and if you are going to make a porn version, you have to ask “which ones do we use?” The other major problem and this is probably the biggest reason it hasn’t been made yet and that is the logistics. This movie could easily be one of the most expensive porn movies ever made.